Alcohol, Sobriety and Perfectionism.

I obviously knew that my first hangover after three months of abstinence was going to be a stinker, but it still caught me by surprise. My eyes slowly peeled open to reveal a blurry bedroom ceiling, as a sharp, poignant throb began to emanate from the bass of my skull. I had not missed this feeling; this was the reason I stopped drinking, why for three months I didn’t touch a drop, and why in that moment I was enveloped in self-denigrating guilt.

It turns out that I still have a tendency to get carried away, and it was this sudden break from my discipline over the past few months that left me with a guilty, hollow feeling. I am hard on myself, sometimes to the point of cruelty, and my guilt stemmed from a feeling that I had let myself down in some abstruse way. But what really had I done wrong? I did not make a fool out of myself, nor did I offend or upset anyone. It was that I had taken it too far, having commenced this project in an attempt to reset my relationship with alcohol and embody the ideology of moderation.

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The problem with my inherent perfectionism is that it can take on two radically different forms: one is an unfaltering determination, the other is over critical self-deprecation. The former grants me the discipline to undertake amelioration projects such as this one whereas the latter allows me no sympathy should I be unsuccessful. It is this dichotomy of perfectionism that so often leaves me with the internalised message that “I am not good enough”, and I still have a long ways to go in finding an equilibrium.

Now that I have gotten that off my chest, here are some thoughts and advice learned from my time spent sober (and subsequently not):

  • Productivity increases when not caught in the weekly cycle of drunk/hungover.
  • Don’t take yourself too seriously.
  • Having fun is not synonymous with being wasted.
  • Introspection and stillness are good for you.
  • Drunk people are really annoying when you are sober.
  • Getting drunk is fucking expensive.
  • Stress relief from alcohol is fleeting.
  • It is very easy to be unfairly judgmental towards other people.
  • Being too hard on yourself is a self-defeating and pointless endeavor.
  • Strive to be a good person and help people. It makes you feel good.
  • Everyone has internal struggles to deal with, so be nice.
  • Learning new things is invigorating.
  • You are better off spending money on books than beer.
  • No one likes a pretentious know-it-all.
  • Creativity can flourish when sober.
  • Spirituality and empiricism can co-exist.
  • You are stuck with yourself, so enjoy your own company.
  • Nothing good happens after 1am. Go home.

After this weekend I am unsure whether I will drink again, or whether I will choose to live without it, something that I will have to ruminate on over the next few weeks. I will however try to be nice to myself whatever decision I make, and make sure that these lessons aren’t lost along the way.

 

 

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